Get to Know and Love You

In response to “I am so sad. My ex has a new girlfriend…”

I’m sad that you are sad. Remember that even though it may look like he’s better to her or they’re better together, it’s not likely he’ll treat her differently than he treated you unless he’s done some serious work and practice and, if he’s done that, he’d treat you better as well and that would be good news.

Another possibility, in the case of two good people, is that people are like colors on the color wheel, often a combination of several colors at varying degrees. We then mix two people of these varying degree colors and the mix is either appealing and open to adding different colors to adjust to become the “just right color” or unappealing and one, the other, or both resist this change and elicit the ‘not good stuff’ in each other.

Either way, their relationship says nothing about you. Someone great is out there for you but first, you must love you! You need to decide you’re worthy and ‘a catch’ regardless of if you have a partner or not. You need to know what you would like in a relationship, how you would like to be treated, and what you do not want. It is most beneficial to know you and accept all the parts of you before you give anyone else a say in that.

If we do not love ourselves first and know how we want to be treated, we’ll pick someone who treats us just as we currently treat ourselves.

Relationships are like mirrors, some are good reflections (make you feel beautiful and smart while also letting us know when we have something in our teeth or that our zipper is down), and some are clown mirrors, all distorted and inaccurate making us feel terrible. I love my skinny mirror; we should all be trying out mirrors before we buy them and picking the one that makes us look good, they are not all the same. Neither are relationships.

We need the good ones because what we believe is far more important than what is. It is the driving force for all other things.

If we do not know what we look like (know our good and not so good) then we are open to everyone else’s reflections (opinions, words, behaviors) to decide who we are. If we know who we are, we will only accept those who align with that belief closely. This can be both good and bad: if I see myself as good, loving, and worthy and someone treats me the opposite, I will think they’re just crazy and not accept their feedback; but if I think I am unworthy, not good, and unlovable, when someone treats me as worthy and good, it will be very difficult to accept that as truth. I will think, “They just don’t really know me.” 

For example, I drive a white vehicle. If someone said to me, “Your car is red.” I would be like, “What?” and if they continued to say, “Yes, it is red.” I would think “something is wrong with you,” and they would lose credibility with me.

So, step #1 is to believe in you! Love and protect you like you would your daughter or best friend. Figure out who you are when you’re not concerned about what anyone else thinks and LOVE her and then find the people that also love her. 

The only things we need to change are those that are harmful to ourselves or others. Seriously, we do not get to be good at everything. Typically, our strength is just one end of a spectrum, the other end is our weakness. For example, if I am gifted at structure and organization, I likely struggle with creativity and flexibility. 

The problem is when we look at the opposite end of our gift to evaluate how successful we are and then put all our focus on trying to be better at that. That is like trying to be left-handed when I am right-handed; sure, it’s cool (because it isn’t mine) but it is an inefficient use of my time and energy to get better at using my left hand.

Know your strengths, operate in your strengths, develop in your strengths, and measure successes by your strength. You’ll find yourself much more successful with less effort. We do not measure fish by how they fly, don’t measure your success by someone else’s gift.

Look up, Girl! You are strong and brave and bold and beautiful! You’re a fighter and an overcomer. You are not less than, you are equal to.  Expect to be with someone who adores you and all of your strengths and who is gracious, patient, and gentle in your weaknesses (we all have them.) 

You were created perfectly with a purpose. Other people carve away at that telling you who to be and how to act, but lean back and float and find that little girl that didn’t notice what others thought. Welcome her back in and thrive. Nurture and grow her with compassion; with this confidence grows. 

Confidence is knowing who I am, what I believe,  what I am good at, and what I am not and being okay with it. When you have confidence like this, it’s like a firmly established foundation, very little can shake you enough to crumble. When you know who you are and who you are not and love her with the same tenacity that you would show your daughters; when someone says something mean or accuses you of something, you can accurately assess the validity of what they’re saying and adjust if you want to. Just as you know the color of your hair, someone can tell you that it is purple when it is not; you then give them what I call ‘the therapy nod,’’ a little tilt of the head, sympathetic look, nod and smile. There is no need to use energy to defend or prove because no matter what anyone thinks, it will not change the truth. Your hair is not purple, my car is not red, and you are not replaceable!

When you know and love you, you’ll know when others are being mean for their benefit or when they are challenging you for yours. This is a very important distinction.

So, Sweet Girl, work on loving you! Talk to yourself as you would your daughter or best friend in the same situation. Grieve everything you need to grieve and celebrate everything you have accomplished and everything that is good! 

You are good! And you are loved!! Breathe in peace. Release the lies and regrets. Rise up and press on.