Concern: It’s funny that I do a complex job and I serve hundreds of people and I’m not nervous, but the second I want to do something that will help me grow in my relationship with God or with myself, I become small; a shy little baby.

Answer: It’s because you are practiced in your current position. Any time we try something new, we will lack confidence, expect it. Feeling nervous does not mean we are not good at it; it means we have not practiced it.

I think some people have misunderstood what confidence is; it is not ‘I feel great about myself’ this is actually self-esteem, or ‘I am great at everything’ this is just generally false, or that ‘I am better than other people’ this is likely arrogance.

I once told my son, “You can do anything even if you never become the best at it; do it because you enjoy it, not because it’s your identity.” 

He replied, “That’s easy for you to say, you’re good at everything.”

To which I answered, “Oh no, I just mostly do what I am good at.” 

We challenge ourselves to grow because we have a dream or because we are hurting ourselves or someone else. We do not challenge ourselves to become better at something because we will be more worthy. Our value does not change because we become good at something new, our confidence in our ability to do it does.

I was 30 when I went back to school to become a therapist. After graduation, when I actually began doing therapy, I was so anxious. I thought, “I am not qualified, I can’t believe people are trusting me with this.” I felt awkward trying to attempt what I had learned in school but not fully knowing what that looked like in action.

It felt kind of like reading about how to swim; we don’t actually know how or if we can swim until we get in the water and splash about a bit.

I had never been a therapist before, I did not feel like a therapist, I felt like I was acting. I later learned this feeling of not good enough or acting has a name; it is called imposter syndrome and appears to be common to many people doing a new thing.

Confidence is based on having tried and practiced and come to know what we are good at, and what we are not. Confidence is like trust, like seeing a solid chair, we don’t need to think twice about it, but if it seems a little wobbly, hesitation is likely… or should be. We are wobbly when doing something new, remember learning to ride a bike…or to walk?

Don’t be afraid to be a baby at something. The idea (the dream or hope or desire for something new) is like a positive pregnancy test, you see a line but don’t feel a thing. The idea is not the birth, and certainly not a full-grown adult. The idea is the pregnancy, and the length of the pregnancy depends on how long it takes to begin doing the steps it takes to achieve the idea. The steps taken are the development and when formed enough to try the new thing, a baby is born. 

As we begin the new thing, we step into the dark abyss of the unknown and the uncomfortable and yet expect to feel great and fit right in. As we find a group of people doing what we want to be doing, we must be transformed in order to fit. This transformation can feel like incompetence; we become suddenly aware of all the things we do not yet know or skills that we do not yet have.

For example, if I plan to run a marathon, I should not just enter and start. The idea is not ready for birth. I will fail…or die; and if I measure my confidence in my ability to actually be good at it based on this experience, I will have none; everyone would be better than me and I would not fit in. I would look ridiculous in comparison to those who have been practicing. When it comes to running a marathon, I am not even born yet. 

However, if I really want to do the new thing, the real question is what have these people, already doing it, practiced to become confident and successful? If I want to do a new thing, I need to find people who are doing it and be the new guy; be the baby and then practice and grow and become.

As a new therapist, we are required to work under supervision of an experienced therapist in both group and individual sessions. This is an example of the find the people doing it and learn from them.

When the pregnancy is complete a baby is born, not a full-grown adult. When we start a new thing, we’ll be a baby at first, as we develop through learning and practice, we mature, and before we know it, we are comfortable again; we become confident.

Things to remember:

1. If you’re doing a new thing expect to be a baby, and then grow:) 
2. If we’re not struggling, we’re not growing. All growth comes by the struggle, the wrestling, the fight, and the uncomfortable. 
3. It’s okay to be comfortable, but if you want to do a new thing in any area, expect to feel small, not enough, like an actor, and maybe a little stupid (imposters syndrome). Don’t stop there, find people doing it and learn from them. Keep practicing. Or as Dori says In Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”
4. If you want to do something new, be confident of this, at first you will be wobbly, but with time and practice, you will develop the skills and knowledge necessary to be comfortable again. This is confidence.
5. You are not alone, everyone was a baby first.