I have come to expect that people rarely change. Yes, we grow and transform according to our influences, but we also seek our influences according to who we already are further supporting ‘staying the same.’ We fight and wrestle trying to get someone to “do the right thing,” so we can feel better or do better. But I have found we can do better and feel better even in the presence of difficult people by treating them like the weather.
Sometimes I walk out of my door and literally ask myself why I live in Minnesota. If you know me at all, you know I prefer summer, or fall. I come alive in the warmth of sunshine and the crispness and colorful shades of fall, but I think I should hibernate in the winter, and spring often seems to disappoint with extended winter or rain and mud. Summer and fall though, smell like hope and feel like creativity. Why should I ever have to experience any other kind of weather?
I am sure each season and type of weather has a wonderful purpose, but I do not appreciate all of them. However, even though I’d always like it to act in a manner that is favorable to my liking, no matter how much I complain, the weather is what it is! I can try to avoid it, and will when I can, but often I cannot and rather than expecting the weather to adjust to me, I adjust to it. I prepare for the weather.
People are like this; most have predictable patterns of behaviors and because of this, we can plan accordingly.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if everyone acted “right?” We have a way we think others should be, act, talk, or respond and when they do not, as is often the case, we continuously struggle and wrestle trying to make them “get it.” Or we take it personally and become internally distraught because they are ‘mad at’ or ‘don’t like’ us.
My hope is that we are not choosing relationships that are like difficult weather that we must continually adjust but rather we reserved the spaces nearest to us for those that are mutually responsive and mutually adjusting, like dancing.
However, we all have family or co-workers or neighbors who say things or do things that hurt. Maybe not intentionally, but just like weather makes us uncomfortable and can even cause damage. In these cases, notice the pattern and expect what they usually do. As I said, people have patterns of behavior and because of this, we can expect it and prepare for it rather than try to change it.
What others say or do does not change the truth about us. Like the thermostat in our homes and the use of heating and cooling to moderate temperatures, we can keep the inside of us (our minds, mood, energy, and beliefs) safe from the storm outside. Just because it’s raining outside, does not mean we must get wet. We can put on our rain gear and limit our time in the elements. The same is true with the people that are hard for us, we can limit our exposure, limit what information we share, and gear us with realistic expectations. We can remain warm, calm and dry internally watching their storm pass on by.
Prepare for the weather.
Acceptance is the Umbrella: Just as we adapt our clothing to the weather, we can adapt our expectations and responses to the behavior of those around us. Think of acceptance as your umbrella. When it feels like someone is dumping rain on you, you do not need to accept “well, I guess I’m getting wet.” Instead, we can just pull out our umbrella and accept that I do not make it stop raining, I make it stop raining on me!
Setting Boundaries: Much like we use the right clothes for the matching weather conditions, we can set healthy boundaries to protect our well-being. If someone consistently exhibits behaviors that don’t align with our values or that make us uncomfortable, it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries, which means I move me, not I change them. It’s not about changing them, but about safeguarding our emotional well-being.
Requesting Sunshine, but Embracing the Rain: Just as we might wish for sunny weather, we can express our needs and desires in relationships. However, just as we can’t control the rain, we can’t control others’ responses. If they choose not to meet our expectations, it’s not a personal rain cloud; it’s simply their weather pattern. Sometimes, it’s about having a colorful umbrella and cute rain boots rather than expecting the clouds to part.
Dress According to the Forecast: In the same way we prepare for a chilly day or a scorching afternoon, we can adjust our interactions based on what we know about someone’s usual behavior. Expecting consistency rather than sudden changes allows us to approach interactions with a sense of stability. When we expect what we usually get, rather than what we believe we should get, we are more prepared for the conditions and are less damaged when it is done. Just as with notice of an approaching storm, we do not stand out demanding the storm to stop, unless we’re Jesus. Since we’re not, we can head for cover and shut all the windows! When we accept how someone usually acts, without trying to change them, we are not only showing them love and acceptance, we are finding our peace in the midst of it.
Taking Shelter: When the weather turns harsh, we seek refuge indoors. Similarly, when faced with toxicity or negativity, it’s crucial to retreat to our internal sanctuary. Don’t let the storm outside flood your home—your inner world. Surround yourself with positivity, self-love, and the warmth of your own understanding. How others act, what they say, or how they treat you does not change what is true about you, it only speaks of what is true about them. Just as we can be in the rain without getting wet, we can interact with difficult people without getting hurt.
Remember, people are like weather: predictable and just like we adjust to the weather with amount of exposure, clothing, and gear, we can adjust to people with realistic expectations, boundaries, and limited interactions.
Surround yourself with those people that feel like sunshine and creativity and seek shelter or put on your protective gear for the rest.
