Still Face Experiment Dr Edward Tronick – YouTube
If you’ve never watched the still-face experiment, please do. We may be familiar with attachment and its role in mother-child bonding and emotional regulation, but did you know that this pattern of relating follows us into all close relationships.
The most common complaint I hear from couples is regarding their difficulty with communication; however, the real difficulty is that they do not feel heard and understood. They feel they have to use so much energy to convince the other to see them, to believe them and care, that sometimes they just give up.
We do not want babies to stop crying out when they need something because it means they have given up; they have lost trust that their needs will be met. In the same way, we do not want the people that we love (of any age) to stop crying out for us because this too means they have given up and no longer trust that we care and want to meet their needs. When this happens, the relationship begins to die.
Do not miss this: If the one’s you love are no longer fighting and you have not adjusted the thing they were fighting for; do not be fooled, the silence is not evidence ‘everything is good,’ it means they’re giving up. When this happens, it is only a matter of time before the flame goes completely, smothered by the darkness of indifference; and when it’s out, it’s almost impossible to bring it back to life. I’ve never seen it.
The still face experiment illustrates what it is like to feel unheard. When mom does not match the emotion of her baby, the baby becomes agitated and distressed. It happens very quickly.
Recall the last time you were upset and trying to tell someone. Did they respond with attention, empathy, and a message of “I see you and I care.” Or did they question you, debate you, say the opposite, advise you, or try to talk you out of what you were feeling? How did each feel?
When someone empathizes with our emotional responses without question or debate, when they seek understanding rather than a discussion until they agree; we feel like the baby when mom is responding; easily calmed, quickly heard, and quickly resolved. If the opposite is true, we feel like the baby when the mom is still faced. We try and try. Our distress level and behaviors escalate just trying to seek connection and safety.
The answer to resolving conflict and reconnecting is to be an empathetic listener, sending the message in body language, facial expression, and words, “I see you; I hear you; I care.”
We do not get to make other people be good listeners, but we can be better listeners. We can listen with curiosity to what is important to another without running it through the filter of our opinion and experiences. We can lean in and care deeply without agreeing that we would also feel this way. We can attune without trying to “fix” their emotion or situation. We can agree that they do feel as they do whether or not we think they should feel this way.
We can listen knowing that our opinion and our side are irrelevant to their experience. We can be people that hold a safe place that allows others to come out of hiding to feel, be known, and be cared about.