In order to love yourself well, you’ll need to fight for you.
Three steps to this fight: Decide, Aware, Action.
Decision
I met with a young lady recently that shared her self-talk with me as she tried to overcome her anxious thoughts. Her self-talk included:
“Why aren’t you over this yet?”
“You don’t even have anything to worry about.”
“You’re such a burden to others.”
“What is wrong with you? You’re always going to struggle.”
Others have said to themselves:
“You’re just weak?”
“You never get it right.”
“You don’t fit in.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re too fat.”
“You’re too ugly.”
“Everyone else is better.”
“No one likes you.”
“I hate you.”
Sound familiar? Knock that off!
I get it, it’s hard! It’s automatic. You’re going to need to do hard things because the only one that can win this battle is you.
I said to that young lady, and I am telling you now, your words are like money in the bank. The positive words are your investment and the negative your debt. What’s your balance? We cannot be taking money out of an account with no money in it. I know one small word, one “dollar” doesn’t seem like much at the time: but over 5 years, 10 years, 15 years? Where do you want to be?
If you have goals you want to accomplish, dreams that you would like to pursue, or just want to be comfortable and confident in who you are. You need to stop spending and start saving. You need to ramp up on your encouraging self-talk and put a halt to the mean crap.
Those good words like:
“You can do this.”
“You will get it.”
“You’re not there yet, but you are working hard at it.”
“You are a masterpiece, wonderfully and beautifully made.”
“You are worthy and valuable.”
“You are uniquely gifted and talented.”
“You have a purpose.”
“You made a mistake, try again.”
Our words are like seeds planted in the spring. You will not reap the harvest immediately but trust me, what you plant will grow. If you plant self-compassion and admiration, you will reap self-compassion and admiration and then you will pour out compassion and admiration on everyone around you. But if what you plant is self-hatred and self-doubt, that is exactly what you will get. And you’ll probably isolate yourself, depressed and anxious.
One mother attended a session with her daughter and asked, “Will it help if others say those positive messages to her?”
I replied, “This is a battle she must fight from the inside.”
You see what we believe is all we can receive. Let me say that again. What we believe is all we can receive. I can tell you all day long that you are worth it, that you are beautiful, that you are smart, that you are a good parent, friend, person, that you are not guilty, that you do deserve forgiveness but until you believe that about yourself, you won’t accept it as true.
Think about it, if you drive a red car and I tell you it is blue, you already know that is not true, so you’ll just write me off as “she doesn’t know what she is talking about.” Am I right? Think about it. When we’re feeling bad about an area of our lives, we believe everyone else also thinks we suck and if they say otherwise ‘they’re just being nice.’ ‘They’re just tolerating me.’ ‘They just don’t really know me.’ But walk into a room where someone’s face looks the slightest displeased and you will believe ‘she doesn’t like me, she thinks i suck, I don’t belong.’
Exibit A: Sister is in a good mood and feels great about herself. She sends a text to a friend, said friend does not reply.
Sister thinks “She must be busy.”
Exibit B: Sister believes crap about herself. She sends a text to a friend, said friend does not reply.
Sister thinks “She hates me. We’re probably not even friends. She is probably with her real friends having fun.”
Said friend eventually replies “Hey, sorry for the delay, I ran a couple errands and forgot my phone. How are ya?”
So, yes, it is important to have others around us that lift us up and encourage us. But to really receive it, the battle must be won on the inside.
Again, I know it’s hard, everything worth doing is hard, do it anyway! And I know it’s hard to believe that you will even come to believe the affirmations; but you have to trust me. What do you have to lose?
It’s like when I start a new diet and exercise program, so hard. Honestly, I don’t do it. I like food and relaxation way too much. Don’t judge. But when I have in the past, I had to believe that whatever good result that I was going for was worth it and that it was coming, that these small moves on my part would add up into my desired goal. Because honestly, I deprived myself of starbursts and made myself get on the treadmill and when I got off, nothing had changed! That does not seem worth it, but this change every day gets easier and every day the change is occurring.
You need to decide to battle that inner critic. Don’t give up, the reward is coming.
Awareness
Most of those internal messages started somewhere. When my 2 year old granddaughter falls she says, “I’m ok?” …Why? Because we always ask her if she’s ok when she falls. When something else falls she say “AHHHH, whyyyy?” Because we also always say that.
We heard these words somewhere.
I have a client, actually multiple clients that were bullied when they were kids and now struggle long into adulthood.
One recently shared that the kids would tell her that no one loved her. She would tell them that her parents loved her, and they would reply “they are just faking.” Then as a young child, she would go home and think ‘are they faking?’ From there she began to perceive actions or words to mean that they didn’t love her.
A little while after she shared this memory, I asked her what she thought of herself. She began to weep, “I hate myself.”
That message is the same message of those bullies from years before.
Another woman who also experienced bullying as a kid says, “I need to earn my place in the world to make up for how I look.” “I am disgusting.”
I said to her once, “It sounds like you have taken up the side of the bullies against yourself, is that what you want to do?”
She replied, “Yes, it keeps me in my place, it protects me.”
She wants to say it to herself before anyone else can say it.
This makes me so mad! Marked by the cruelty of bratty kids who probably didn’t know what lasting wounds they were leaving.
Parents, please talk to your kids. It matters. Let them know the impact of bullying, that it leaves scars that take mighty work to heal. And if you have a child being overwhelmed by bullying, warning! I am about to give an opinion, if it were my child, I would do whatever I could to get them out of that situation. People once thought it made them tough, or they learned to stick up for themselves, but from what I’ve seen, that is just not true. What they learned was survival and took on the identity and self-talk given to them by the bullies.
Some of our self-talk came from our parents or other adults. I have asked many, “who’s voice is it?” They always know, they weren’t always aware before asking themselves, but as soon as it was asked, they knew. So, ask yourself? Whose voice, is it? Who said it first?
The point being, do we think these people were right? Do we believe they were in a position to define who we are or who we will become? Why do you think they said it; was it meant for our good? Not likely, it was selfish and meant to protect the self or it was done in anger and meant to win. Or by stressed people who were also raised by people and pressured by culture. But it is not truth, and they are not necessarily a credible source so it’s time to take back your mind from these unqualified definitions.
Action
Do not say anything to yourself that you would not say to someone that you love in the same situation.
Keep track of self-talk talk: how much is positive and how much is negative? What is your debt to deposit ratio?
How would you talk to your daughter or your best friend?