I wrote the poem at the end of this post one morning while reminiscing about my kids, who are now all grown. When I read it to my 4th, she said, “Mom, you did that!” 

Yes, most of my regrets were with the first borns, before I knew what I didn’t know. For many years, I struggled with the “not good enough” fear, certain I was just wrecking my kids. Striving and striving and striving, for I don’t even know what, a mark I would never hit. It felt like soul crushing darkness, and it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I was certain I was failing, and it was all my fault. 

I eventually did EMDR therapy, which I found so helpful that I went back and did the extensive training on it to use with my own clients. During my one session of EMDR with my supervisor, a pattern of abandonment came up. I mean, I knew it was there, but I did not know the power it still held in my automatic processing.

I’ve always been a ‘just keep going’ kind of person. ‘People leave, grieve and move on.’ It turns out I felt abandoned by my kid. This wasn’t a thought; I do know kids grow up and leave. I am aware that that is the goal. But I discovered my brain and body, not logic, felt this deeply. There had been many significant relationships that just faded away and I let them go, but my kid, ‘I gave everything I had, and I was still not good enough.’ This was the final rock in a very heavy bucket of ‘unhealed stuff.’

Let me be clear, this is not because of my kids, they are awesome, this was my stuff, old stuff, unresolved stuff.

After EMDR, I felt like I had been gutted in a way that felt like freedom. It was like the current struggle was just the tip of the iceberg and through EMDR the rest of the iceberg was broken apart and floated away. It made the present-day struggle much easier to deal with. It made me much less ‘fragile’ when facing it and I began to grow up. 

We tend to stop aging at the place the trauma happened. Not in every area, but when any reminder of the trauma triggers it, we are right back at that age. With my adult clients I ask, “how old do you feel next to your dad (or whoever is the connected person?” And they reply, “12.”

If asked how old I felt next to my son then, I would say 17, the age I was when he was born. I remember feeling like he out aged me, like how can I parent him, he’s smarter than I am (he is actually smarter though, lol). I had zero confidence; I literally went to school for marriage and family therapy so I could figure out how to do it. 

By the time I was eligible to do the EMDR training, I thought I was past this. The training was in a big open room and the trainees practiced on each other. The trainers said to pick a topic that is distressing, but not too distressing or make something up. Well, I am a terrible actress, so I picked the same topic because it was real, but I believed I had resolved it so wouldn’t have a big response in front of these professional strangers. When it was my turn to be the client my image was the day that my son was born and I really saw this whole human that I was responsible for and thought, “I have already failed him, I am a teen mom and that is his dad.” (I’ll leave that to the imagination)

EMDR is a trauma processing that uses images and memory networks rather than talk therapy; it’s watching the events happen in the mind while doing bilateral brain stimulation. It’s a little like dreaming except, awake. All of the sudden, I start ugly crying; I mean bawling! Well, I was not expecting that. 

The trainer happened to be sitting right there and coached the practicing therapist to keep going with the eye movement, which continues until I finish crying. She then says, “What did you notice?” And I said, “For the first time ever, I noticed the 17-year-old girl who felt all alone, and I thought, ‘We did it! We made it’.” 

For the first time, I saw how young and vulnerable I was, with almost no resources, and facing some very big obstacles surrounded by the many negative messages about teen moms, which I had unknowingly internalized. If I separate my story from my kids’ experience, (which I really wanted their experience to be perfect, so I failed) what I did accomplish was incredible. What that 17-year-old girl did, (very, very imperfectly) against the odds, was a big deal and she did it and that she was me! 

So, I forgave myself, as Maya Angelo says, “for not knowing what I didn’t know before I learned it.” I did not expect anyone else to forgive me, but I, within myself, was good with me for the first time in 23 years. This resulted in an internal stability that made me a better listener when my kids had grievances or wanted to express their pain. I could better hold that space rather than run away or be defensive because I was no longer crushed beneath it. 

Better listening and acknowledgement of another’s experience is always the best road to healing for everyone.

I share that story for two reasons: 

1. We often think everyone else has it together while we don’t. This is not true, everyone has struggles, they may not be the same, but they are felt significantly just the same, so if you struggle, you are not alone.
2. If you find yourself stuck and can’t seem to find a way out, there is a way, talk to someone. The battle is way bigger when fought alone and self-blame and shame often keep us in hiding.

And the promised poem:

If I’d Only Known

If I had only known

How quickly you would grow.

I would have held you all night long

And savored your sweet baby smell.

And relish a little longer your warm baby cuddle.

If I had only known

How quickly time would steal you away

I would have carried you around 

Even after you could walk;

Cementing your thick toddler body like an art sculpture in my mind.

I would have read you more bedtime stories even after you could read.

I would have tied your shoes even after you knew how.

And zipped your coat 

And combed your hair 

And grabbed your hat 

And made your food.

Because I love you!

If I had only known

How your sweet little face would dissolve and transform 

to make room for this older version of you (whom I also adore!)

I would have snapped a million pictures and videos just to capture every disappearing moment of

Your smile and curiosity

Your anger and frustration

Your humor and joy

Your sadness and disappointment

If I’d only known 

how quickly your emotions would all fall into the proper place

I would have feared less and cherished more

I would have cried less and laughed more

I would have doubted myself less and pressed love and security in more.

If I had only known 

That little you would be enveloped into the folds of time

I would have saved every handwritten note

And every piece of art 

As they have become more priceless to me 

than those of the famous artists from long ago.

I would have saved every favorite toy and blanky and nuky

Every article of clothing

Just to hold on to 

        a little bit 

          of little you 

             a little longer.

If I had only known 

How quickly it would all go,

I would have pressed in a little more

I would have loved a little harder

I would have stayed up a little later

I would have set aside my own “stuff” a little sooner

I would have talked a little less and listened a little more

So that you would know just how valuable you are.

And so I could store up every moment of you securely in the scrapbook of my mind.

If I had only known  

That little you would so quickly unfold into the amazing person you are today

I would have hurried less and worried less

I would have made more time 

I would have carved more room

for you to fearlessly try new things

    And make mistakes

         And succeed

              And fail

                  And get back up

                       And try again

                             And overcome

I would make sure that you know that all the while,

your home is securely anchored in my heart…forever!!

That you would know that at every age and every stage

You are my baby and I am forever in love with and amazed by you!

If I could do it all over again

I would fix all my mistakes

So that none would hinder you!

I would make sure that, no matter what, 

You would know that I believe in you;

That I am your biggest fan in every way, every day!