Warning: not to dampen the sparkle of new relationship, but I am a therapist and have seen when sparkle turns out to be broken glass, sharp and painful. So, this comes with more reality than romance, but know I’d never rule out the miracle of true, deep, authentic, imperfect love.
Dating can be an exciting journey, filled with the hope of new connections and shared adventures. However, amid the excitement, it is so utterly important to approach the dance of romantic relationships with eyes wide open. In a world where stories can be crafted with finesse and online presence presented just so, it becomes necessary to turn down the volume of stories, selected images, and explanations and carefully observe the lived life to ensure what therapist call ‘informed consent,’ that what we agreeing to as promised in words will be what is lived out in life.
1. The Art of Turning Down the Volume
In the early stages of dating, it’s easy to get swept away by the captivating stories that people share. Whether it’s the sharing of one’s dreams, personal struggles, or past relationships, these stories can create a captivating symphony that resonates with our desires. However, turning down the volume means silencing the mesmerizing words and magnetism of the attention momentarily and allowing one’s actions and the evidence of their life to take center stage.
2. Observing the Symphony of Interactions
Life is a symphony of actions, and true intentions are often revealed in everyday behavior. Take the time to observe how your potential partner interacts with the world around them. Are their actions in harmony with the stories they have shared? Do they act out the qualities and values they claim? It’s in these interactions with pets, friends, children, past relationships, jobs, and all the details of everyday life that the authenticity of a person’s story becomes apparent.
We are all part of synchronized interactions therapist call “systems,” and if a person acts differently, their family, friends, pets, kids will not know how to play along. Just as we know if our people are acting “weird,” their people also know, and it can be felt. It’s that feeling in the gut that says, ‘somethings off.’ You can usually trust your gut. Pay attention. The lived life is the evidence of one’s character, values, priorities, and beliefs.
For example: Abusive partners often say their past partners “are crazy and just out to get them.” They can explain away a domestic violence charge by “it was just once because she…” I promise you, if there is a conviction, it is likely there is strong evidence of truth. Also, not likely the only time because victims often take a very long time, if ever, to report abuse due to feeling blamed, believing ‘it’s not that bad,’ fear of not being believed and the punishment that will follow, hope that change is just around the corner, embarrassment, believing it is their fault, and not wanting to get the abuser in trouble.
3. The Red Flags of Perfection
Beware of the perfect match. While it’s natural to be drawn to someone who seems flawless, perfect stories often conceal imperfect realities. Many crafty people can read you, hear your stories, and mimic similarities, when in reality, rarely will we agree on everything with anyone. Everyone has their quirks, challenges, regrets, and imperfections; we are all made up of the many fabrics of our experiences and one that matches perfectly may be a red flag. Like a flower seed planted, the authenticity of a person’s true self can only happen as it blooms over time. A rose seed will be a rose and a daisy will be a daisy; take the time to see the flower bloom rather than just allow a daisy to tell you it’s a rose even though the evidence that you witness is to the contrary.
4. Questioning Discrepancies
People are complex beings, and life is often messy. In healthy relationships we want to meet one another with compassion and curiosity. When the story told cannot be seen in the life lived, it is a red flag. Red flag does not mean stop or absolute truth, it means pay attention. Many a story has been told of the hard luck that has led to why a person is not involved with their children, is out of work, lives with their parents, has had multiple failed relationships, has a criminal record (yes, look it up) and so on. The hard worker with bad luck story may be true, but the evidence does not yet support it.
Unless you want to tie your life to exactly what you currently see, if it never changes, go slow.
We should avoid marrying potential.
I am a very positive, nonjudgemental, believe the best, person but I have seen way too many significantly harmful relationships result from ignoring the evidence and accepting the story to not alert my fellow good, honest, trying hard, people… that not all people are good and honest and trying hard. Some just tell a really good story.
5. Learning from Past Deceptions
Unfortunately, many have experienced the pain of being misled in relationships. It’s crucial to learn from these experiences and approach new connections with a balanced blend of optimism and caution. Past deceptions can serve as valuable lessons, empowering us to trust our instincts and navigate the dating experience with increased wisdom and resilience.
In the symphony of dating, the key is to listen not only to the melodies of spoken words but also to the harmonies of actions and the rhythms of genuine connection. By turning down the volume on stories and explanations and observing life’s interactions, we can foster relationships built on authenticity, trust, and mutual understanding. Remember, the most beautiful symphonies are those where every note, even the imperfect ones, contributes to the masterpiece.