I am certainly not implying this is new information to these systems, but it has been shocking and heavy on my heart to be witness to this on more than one occasion.
In my own experience, at one time, I felt I needed a restraining order… because I was afraid. I was asking to meet in a public place to exchange kids and that I would not be threatened or harassed, which I think should be everyone’s right.
When I went to court, to which he did not show, I was granted the restraining order after the judge says, “Well, a father does love his children.”
Um, what?! How is that even relevant, or necessary? And, sir, if a father loves his children, he does not threaten, harass, make afraid, or abuse their mother. Period!
I’d like to add: This was a long time ago and, in my case, that year offered time to cool off and adjust and resulted in a decreased need for a restraining order. This is not everyone’s experience.
To responding officers.
o Notice body language
- The one with the power is the calmest. The one who’s voice is steady and can think and speak clearly and confidently; THEY ARE NOT AFRAID. They are not afraid to lie. They are not afraid of the other so will report whatever: accuse the other: call the other crazy,
- The one without power can appear “out of control” because they are out of control; the other controls them. They may talk loud and fast or sound confused because they are in fight or flight, not executive function. Fight or Flight causes rapid heart rate and breathing, sweating, difficulty concentrating or remembering details, difficulty being still due to large amounts of adrenaline and hypervigilance to threat, and dilated pupils. Because of this they may be yelling or pacing or shaking. Or hiding all of the above. They may not say what happened or minimize what happened or be unclear on what happened. They are likely reading if you believe them and therefore can look like they are lying. They are AFRAID! They are not crazy. They are afraid they won’t be believed and of what the consequences will be when the police leave. If they called the police, it took A LONG time for them to decide to call. If someone else called, they may not be ready to say. They often do not trust themselves and do not know they are being abused or they believe it is just about to stop. They can believe it was their fault or that they are crazy or that everyone is against them or that no one will believe them because this is often repeatedly told to them. They or others they love may have been threatened.
o The victim needs protection even if they don’t say it.
- When you leave and leave them both in the situation, please consider that you are not leaving two consenting adults who have the freedom to decide. You are leaving a powerless victim with a powerful abuser with no protection or defense, and she is less likely to call next time.
· To the Courts
o Abusers are using the court system to further control and harass the victims
- Abusers “have rights,” which they use against the victim.
- Victims are often positioned to prove they are innocent
- Abusers prolong the proceedings even when there is no reason to
- Abusers accuse the victim of abuse.
- Abusers are NOT AFRAID TO LIE
- Victims are AFRAID THEY WON’T BE BELIEVED
- Victims have often been isolated and convinced they are to blame and that not one will believe them.
- Victims feel embarrassed and ashamed that they have “gotten themselves in this situation.”
- Victims are afraid for their children, so they often look controlling and hypervigilant.
- Pay attention to body language: refer to the previous section.
- Please be aware of and recognize gaslighting, manipulation, grooming, and cycles of domestic violence.
Below is the book the above image is from. It is an excellent resource.
