I think much of what causes anxiety and depression is rooted in how we talk to, and what we believe about, ourselves. Many of these messages were planted in us at an early age, before we were ever even aware or able to consider whether or not they were even true. These seeds grow and become the lens by which we see the world and ourselves in it.
They become our automatic internal dialog.
Take a moment to notice how you talk to yourself, especially when you fail, and ask yourself:
- Would I speak this way to anyone else in the same situation? Or ever?
- Who first said it? Who’s voice is it?
So many of us can get stuck on what our parents have said about us, how we were treated growing up, what our parents say or do to us now, or how peer relationships defined them in middle and high school.
Freedom comes when we reevaluate the messages and leave the unhelpful ones behind because:
1. Your parents are just people with their own hot mess to work out and hopefully they are working on it. What they did or did not do was never ever about you! You are awesome! You were born awesome, and you will be awesome. Your parents’ “stuff” does not define you.
2. Other kids didn’t even know who they were, how could they know who you are?
And most importantly
3. As long as we blame others for the way we are (or are not) we remain powerless to change it.
So, how do we do this?
Evaluate the message, the source, and the accuracy.
Parents
Our parents are just people. Our parents are not famous. They are not even necessarily highly qualified to be parents, and If they’re in their right mind, they’d tell you the same thing. You did not come with instructions or blueprints. I was just discussing this with a friend and we agreed that we could not believe they would send us home with a baby!
Seriously unqualified!!
Even if our parents did their due diligence and read up about parenting and development, it would not do justice to the unique individual that you are. And that they are.
I think of families like a color wheel. Each person is a unique make-up of several colors of varying shades and each relationship is made of two of those color mixtures; then add each member in their varying colors and the creation that you get is based on those variations. Some are similar, but none are exactly the same.
You, my friend, are a work of art!
We, the parents, don’t know what we are doing. At our best, we are making decisions based on a hypothesis; an educated guess rooted in what we currently know or believe. The problem with this in parenting is, you don’t know the result until…well, it’s the result and then it’s too late. As parents, we get defensive and scared and sometimes just selfish, stressed, and/or crabby.
I have said at least once “please do not let any one thing I say define who you are.” I should not have that kind of power or responsibility, I’m not that good! The best of parents are those that are trying and are scared to death that they’re blowing it every! Single! Day!. So our parents are just people, not special in any way other than that they happened to be our parents. So why would we allow their opinions about us to have so much say in how we view ourselves?
Before we get too hard on ourselves about that (because that’s what we do), let’s explore.
There was a time that our survival depended on their love and affection and their responding to our needs. Attachment is an incredible force. I shared the video The Still Face Experiment by Dr. Edward Tronic in a previous post titled Attachment Theory in Action. If you didn’t see it, you can find it here https://youtu.be/apzXGEbZht0.
This video demonstrates the power of the primary caregiver’s responses to the child. It begins with a connected and engaged mom with her baby. They are communicating and playing. Then the mother turns and when she faces her baby again her face is still and straight. She no longer reflects the baby’s emotions or responds to the baby’s attempts to engage. It does not take long for the baby to become quite distressed.
Oh man, it breaks my heart everytime! Not because of the video, the video just demonstrates the power of the parent child relationship. No, it breaks my heart for the many, many children who experience this kind of pain daily.
To repeatedly feel unseen, unloved, unimportant, or that what one feels and thinks is wrong is like never looking in the mirror to see the full complexity and beautiful individuality of who you are.
One who grows up with this experience tends to live their life at the mercy of others’ opinions and reactions to them; like the toddler that falls down and looks for mom to see if they’re okay. At 18 months this is appropriate, as an adult it is a great vulnerability to be waiting for others approval to know if what we feel or think or who we are is acceptable.
Throughout childhood the only reflection of who we were was based on what our primary caregivers thought of us. Or more accurately, the only reflection we had was what we thought they thought of us. I am aware that my mom loved me very much and believed that I could do anything I set my mind to. However, I also received messages that led me to believe that I was “too much” and “too dramatic.” Somewhere along the line I also picked up, perceived or otherwise, the message that I shouldn’t ask for or expect much, I should not want to be noticed or celebrated, and if people left, you just let them go because that’s just what you do, ‘don’t be so dramatic.’
The belief that I am “too much” or “too dramatic” as stated in a negative way will just not work for me. I am too much and too dramatic and that is neither negative nor positive, it just is. I was made this way. This same “too much” has made my life full of creative, brave, spontaneous adventurous experiences; just the way I like it. I do get bored in one place and doing one thing. So I am always dreaming of the next. It is this tenacity that presses me on through all obstacles to achieve whatever I dream up.
When my children were growing up I was so amazed by how different they were and I’d talk about it all the time. Later, I discovered that this came across as a comparison to one of my children and really hurt. It was never my intention, I am in awe of each of my children and the unique and amazing qualities that have been woven together to make up who they are; but that does not change the pain that it caused. My ignorance about this message does not remove the imprint that it left.
Perceived messages are just as powerful as those that were actually spoken.
In addition, at one time our freedom or lack thereof was in their hands. They had all the power, so pleasing them was necessary. But we are not there anymore. We are not little people at the mercy of these bigger people, even bigger people with good intentions. Therefore, who we are is really none of their business as far as it does not affect them. So it’s time that we shed off the expectations of our parents or the longing for their approval that they may or may not be able to give so that we can rise up to claim our rightful position in our own bodies and lives.
Childhood Peer Relationships
Another place our early messages take root is in peer relationships. Oh Lord, middle schoolers who don’t even know who they are crushing the self-esteem of other middle schoolers in the name of survival. Middle school is rough. I didn’t experience this, but I have seen enough clients still struggling with identity due to this time in their lives to know it is a thing!
Those early messages of who’s in and who is not, what’s cool and what is not, who’s fat and (what it means to be fat), ugly, nerdy, slutty, druggy, brainy, athletic, not athletic, partier, goody-goody, and even gay. What? I think a person would know if they were gay, they would not need some outside force, and definitely not some other kids that don’t know anything to tell them. The seed is planted and they begin to question who they once knew they were. I literally have a client that said “they told me I was gay, I didn’t think I was, but I started living that way.” And “I had a lot of friends in elementary school and felt good about myself. Then I started middle school and I guess I wasn’t good enough for my friends anymore because they got new friends.”
I have another client (these are adults), who’s weight has been her enemy and she states “I am a freak. I owe the world to make up for how disgusting I am.”
I asked her, “Is that true for everyone in your situation?”
She replied, “no.”
“Then,” I said, “It is not true!”
When she says things like this now, she follows it with, “I know what you’re going to say, ‘is that true for everyone?…then it’s not true.’” She says it in a very mocking tone. That’s fine, this new message has been planted and it runs through her head whenever she is triggered. The new message has been partnered to the old so whenever she thinks the old, the new pops in. Whether she believes it yet or not.
Start planting new messages and surround yourself with others who speak it.
My Granddaughter is 6 now. Amazing, creative, kind, tender, and loves people. Last year, she was sad as she told me that a girl said her outfit was ugly. I don’t even think she knew this girl. I asked, “Do you think it’s ugly?”
She looks down and says, “No, I like it.”
“Then she’s wrong. Also, not being nice, but wrong. How would you like to handle it?”
We decided that if it happened again, she could ignore her while knowing it’s not true or she could say, “Well, I like it.”
When I think of the number of people who have struggled because of something that someone else decided about them, it starts a fire in me, even as I write it. I don’t know who they are but knock it off, let people define themselves.
Our words leave marks, transform beings, cage people, and prevent people from fully blooming and becoming who they have always been, just more developed and refined.
It reminds me of a book I’d read with my granddaughter and repeatedly read to my children when they were growing up. It was one of our favorites! Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes. Chrysanthemum is so loved and adored by her parents that they pick the most perfect name for her. Chrysanthemum loves her name! She sings it over and over. “Chrysanthemum Chrysanthemum Chrysanthemum.” She writes it over and over. “Chrysanthemum Chrysanthemum Chrysanthemum.” Then she goes to school, dancing all the way, and full of confidence and joy. When she gets to school, the other kids make fun of her name and then she hates her name; her shoulders sink, and head droops and she finds her name to be “dreadful.”
That’s all it took; little people making fun of her name to change what she believed about herself. Don’t worry, the book ends well. But we are all vulnerable to the opinions of others. We all heard messages from people not qualified to give an opinion. Did they make us better or worse? Everyone has an opinion. The thing is though, it costs them nothing to give it but will cost you everything to believe it.
Make sure your opinion for your life and identity are the loudest and strongest.
Victim Identity
Another hurdle in keeping our eyes on our parents or others as the source of our difficulties is that we take on victim identity, which says everyone else holds my happiness and everyone else needs to change in order for me to be happy. I have literally asked people, “what needs to change to make you happy.” and they have responded “Well, if they (fill in the blank of the other) would…”
What? You’re going to wait for “they” to do the thing you need? Have “they” ever done the thing you need? “No.” Then why would you be expecting them to start now? We should expect what usually happens. Like if I touch a hot stove, I expect it to be hot. If I put money in a vending machine, I expect to get my treat. If my parents never call, I expect that they will not call. I should not be expecting something that usually does not happen because I will be let down over and over and over. I will remain miserable. But if I expect that they do not call, because they usually do not call, and that this is not about me, then I am not surprised or disappointed that they did not call. I accept this about them and set boundaries accordingly, either emotionally or physically or both.
Holding a position of blame toward another leaves us powerless to change it. And we are too powerful to stay that way.
Take action:
- Begin to notice how you talk to yourself.
- If it is not helpful, change it. Even before you believe it, practice. Someone recently said, “I was looking closely to see if i could do it, because I am not very good.”
I asked, “How do you get ‘good’?”
And they said, “Well, repetition.”
“Oh, so you’re not good, yet?”
- Get to know yourself: your values and priorities, your strengths and weaknesses, your style and preferences, and proudly do that!
- Take feedback about you (from trusted sources) as information to consider, not the final decision. Ask yourself: is it true, helpful, kind, and for my benefit or just theirs? If the answer is no, disregard and say or, at least, think, “Thank you for your opinion.”
An example of feedback to ignore, or if you’re the one offering, don’t, lol: If I have shown up in an outfit that someone does not like; unless there is toilet paper trailing behind me or my zipper is down, they should not share a negative opinion of my outfit choice. A. It is just an opinion, not a fact. And B. I probably liked it given I was already wearing it and felt good about myself in it, the negative comment only serves to wreck my mood.
- Surround yourself with people who see and call out the good in you.
- Get distance from people with whom you regularly feel: afraid, crazy, trapped, bad, unseen, on edge, walking on eggshells, stupid, not enough or “too much”.
- Practice. Practice. Practice. Make it the new norm to speak to yourself as you would to someone else in the same situation.
Autopilot takes you where you’ve always been; mindfulness takes you where you want to go.