Our problem is not because another person will not honor our boundaries; our problem is because we do not honor our own boundaries.
Like locking your front door takes the power away from others to cross the boundary, a true boundary never requires the permission or participation of another, rather it is something we establish that we do that protects us and takes the power from another to harm us. It does not need to be spoken and, frankly, many people are offended by the word boundary, they seem to feel punished or talked down to. Perhaps the word has been misused or misunderstood.
A true boundary never actually has to be announced. We do not need to send notice that we have locked my door; when someone has tried it, they will know.
If someone has to call us to share that there’s a problem, it is not our problem. It is theirs. If it was actually our problem, no one would need to tell us, we’d already know. This does not mean we cannot choose to help, but that’s it: it’s a choice, not a responsibility, and it is helping, not doing it for or rescuing.
We should never be working harder than the person who benefits from the work. We often want to “help” but fixing another’s’ problems, when they are capable to do it themselves, is rarely helpful.
- No one ever got strong because someone else worked out.
- My solution may not work for their situation.
- They may not be ready for many good reasons.
- They are telling me the problem from an emotional space which always feels like an emergency, it rarely is. When it’s an actual emergency, the action required is clear and immediate and we are not thinking or discussing it, we’re doing it.
When a person speaks from an emotional space, the words are attempts to express the intensity of their feelings, in that moment. The words are not actually the truth; we must ride the emotional wave. Most people come back down to rational thought and speech if someone will just listen rather than argue their feelings, tell them not to feel them, or try to fix them.
- So many fights happen at the peak of emotions because we are attempting to rationalize with emotion using logic; it will NEVER work. Emotions do not speak logic; these are completely different areas of the brain. Emotions speak images and body sensation. Emotions are like art and music, they are sensual. Language and logic are the opposite, and though, necessary to integrate into healthy choices, emotions must be calmed first to enable logic to enter.
How to really “help” when someone comes to you with their problem.
- Know that it is not your job to solve it, it’s your job to care.
- Listen and believe that they feel what they feel
- Do not try to change what they feel or fix it
- Affirm, empathize, even for you do not agree with the cause, pain is pain, fear is fear, joy is joy and we have experienced these emotions
- If your sentence starts with “at least” don’t say it
- Don’t catch emotions. You do not need to feel what they feel, let them feel it without stealing it; if we take on their emotions, they will stop feeling and start taking care of us.
- Keep confidentiality. This story does not belong to you. If you need support for the information, call one person that you trust.
- Know that they are telling their side of the story, from their perspective, experience, meaning making, emotional state, values and so forth. It is true to them, and we are not investigators. We are simply in the moment with them, for them, not to establish an opinion of our own. We do not have enough information, or enough skin in the game for an opinion.
- Ask questions only for the sake of clarity or that they may gain insight and not because of curiosity. This moves from what is important to the speaker to what is important to you.
- We do not go fix their problem or talk to their people without their permission. If that’s how they wanted to handle it, they would.
- We avoid giving advice: our advice is based on our experience and priorities and the one sided information we received.
- If we are asked for advice, I like to say “what are your options?” This is to increase self-efficacy; that they do not need me to solve their problem. It also makes them active in analytical decision making rather than passive learning.
- My Suitcase Analogy: I like to imagine it like a suitcase. Someone comes in with their suitcase and opens it. It is an honor that they allow me to see inside it and they are hopeful for help to organize. They are unloading to decide what to keep and what to discard, or they just want to go through, fold, see, and put back in. Either way, when they leave, we pack that suitcase back up and send it with them. It belongs to them. Whatever decisions or actions are taken, they have the final say. The cost and benefits are theirs. I do not keep any of it, I have a suitcase of my own to carry.