A friend walked in and just started talking. They were sharing about something important that had happened during the day. I tried to listen, but distracted, I raised my hand to interrupt, “I’m sorry, I am trying to listen, but you have something all over your face that is really making it hard to take you seriously.” They went to check it out in the mirror to find a mask of dirt was indeed covering their face. They returned all washed up and went on with their story. It was a good day.
Good relationships do this. They can show us things about ourselves that we cannot see but might want to change. Good relationships also show us the good things about us that we may or may not be aware of. At their best, these reflections help us grow into people we are proud of. We become confident of who we are and who we are not and accept it as overall, good. However, some relationships use this same power in ways that are harmful to us.
Being raised in a harmful environment or spending time in a long-term harmful relationship is like being with someone who repeatedly tells you, “You have something on your face” even when you don’t, mostly when you don’t.
You go to look in the mirror and see nothing. You return and they still say, “You have something on your face.” So you go back to look in the mirror, looking even closer this time and still see nothing. You begin to assume that you are wrong, that they see something you are just unaware of, so you scrub. You scrub and scrub and scrub; everywhere, just in case. Then you return to the person, and still they say you have something on your face.
You grow to believe that you really do have something on your face and that others will see that “something” on your face and think negatively of you, so you repeatedly scrub what is not there.
In future interactions when another person does not see what has never been there, you become convinced that they are just not looking close enough, they are lying, or they’re just trying to be nice.
We spend our whole lives trying to not have the “something” on our face. Why? Because we don’t want the thing on our face. We care about it. We continue to scrub what is not there and walk into rooms believing everyone is noticing and thinking about the thing on our face. We come to accept it as truth.
The truth is, my friend, it was never true! If it were true, you would not have worked this hard for this long trying to make it not true.
Whatever you may have come to believe negative about you, that thing you spend so much time and energy trying to prove is untrue, dear one, it was never true!
Whatever motivates you to avoid being seen with something on your face, is true.
If you worry if you’re good, you probably are, bad people don’t care.
If you worry about being nice, you probably are, mean people don’t care.
If you worry about being a good mother or teacher or friend or worker, you probably are, bad ones aren’t worrying about it.
The things we work hard to prove about ourselves, are the true things! They are the things we care about. Whatever the outcome, good or bad, whatever it may look like to others or what other people think, the motivation to be good or nice, to be a good mom, teacher, friend, worker, to be seen as honest or hard working, or whatever it is, is about who you already are! Who you have always been.
You have nothing to prove to anyone but you!